MUM AND DAD FLY BACK TO THE SUN AND I STILL HAVE A ROOF OVER MY HEAD – RESULT!

Mum and dad finally moved back to Jamaica for good earlier this year with dad making it crystal clear on numerous occasions leading up to their departure that I was to find “somewhere else to cotch” because he was putting the house on the market.

Well we are now in July and guess what I am still cotching in the very same house my dad planned on kicking me out of.

I knew mum wouldn’t let me down. No matter what that woman always has my back. She persuaded him not to sell because it would be good for them to have somewhere to stay on the occasions when they come back to visit. Plus there is now some extra income coming in to the household. The son of a family friend and his partner have moved in to the huge double room downstairs. I collect the rent from them every month and send it on to mum and dad.  

Well,  at least I try to send on the money when I can but sometimes my cash flow is running a little low so I end up borrowing the rent just to tide me over for the month.  You know how it is when you are an out of work creative.  But dad refuses to understand my situation. He will call in the early hours of the morning when a man is trying to sleep, ranting and raving like a lunatic demanding to know why they haven’t received the rent money yet, and why don’t I get off my “backside and get a job”.  The old man really needs to calm himself down before he gives himself a stroke. Fool….

Mum is cool about it though and tells me not to worry about the money, that I can have it when I desperately need it and I can pay them back when I start working again.

When I spoke to mum last month I told her that my agent Stella had managed to get me an audition for a role in a one-off BBC drama.  This was in fact true. Then when Stella explained the role to me in detail I had no choice but to shut it down. No way am I going to play some down and out drunk in a drama that will be watched by millions. And I don’t care how much they are paying me. I’m better than that.

But mum doesn’t need to know about all of this. I mean why worry her?

July 8, 2011 – 2:45 pm Categories: STILL COTCHING | Post a comment

UNWANTED CHANGES

It’s now official! Mum and dad are DEFINITELY selling up and moving back to Jamaica for good. The big move will take place in January.

Dad was happy to inform me of this latest turn of events while mum just stood in the background peeling green bananas with a glum expression on her face.

My mum really wants to go back to Jamaica but is also concerned about my welfare, unlike some I could mention.

“So what’s happening with the house? Do you still plan on throwing me out on to the street?”

Dad just glared at me and replied “Darren…. you are NOT a blasted child. You are a big ole 40-someting MAN.  Start taking responsibility for yourself. Do someting worthwhile with your life. Get a job and look somewhere to rent! Or ask Jayla if you can move in with her. Listen… you have plenty of time to sort yourself out”.

He then walked over to the kitchen table, picked up a large white envelope, then walked towards me and thrust the envelope in to my hand.

I peered inside and pulled out the contents.

It was a job application form from Tesco.  

“Tesco is looking for staff to pack bags for customers who buy their shopping online. They are also looking for drivers.  You better apply because after January the piggy bank will be in Jamaica and locked off. NO MORE HANDOUTS WILL BE COMING YOUR WAY! YOU HEAR ME?”.

I heard mum let out a huge sigh after dad completed his mini speech. 

Dad then walked out in to the hall way and emerged seconds later with more job application forms from various organisations, including would you believe one from NETTO!!!

It seems that my father is now requesting job application forms on my behalf from everywhere. Paula used to do the EXACT same s**t when we were together.

I was so vex but kept my cool for mum’s sake. The last time me and dad clashed… well let’s just say it turned ugly.

I just dashed the forms on to the kitchen table and told him I would look through them later, rushed upstairs, slammed my door shut, kissed my teeth and then tuned in to Loose Women in order to calm my nerves.

Due to my obvious lack of interest dad was downstairs about ready to explode. But I didn’t care. Let the old man burn up and explode in to a million pieces.    

After this latest annoying encounter with my dad, mum later told me that they wouldn’t sell the house straight away, they would give me time to find a place to live first, which was of no comfort as it’s more convenient for me to remain here.

But if worse comes to the worst I can always move in with Jayla on the sly. We will just have to be careful and ensure that her father never finds out.

And on to other stuff that’s happened…

I can no longer claim income support. It’s a long story that I can’t be bothered to go in to right now. But to be honest I’m not that bothered at the moment.  Mum’s still helping me out financially though so it’s no big loss.

She always comes through for me in the end.

I won’t be completing any of those application forms yet dad…

August 10, 2010 – 1:09 pm Categories: UNWANTED CHANGES | Post a comment

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EASTENDERS, LUCAS JOHNSON AND THAT DAMN DON GILET

Don Gilet aka Lucas Johnson

Eastenders just pisses me off!

Why?

I originally auditioned to play the role of Lucas Johnson the mad pastor and blew the casting director away. They were left speechless! They loved me!

I came THIS CLOSE to bagging the role, but in the end they decided to give the part to that fool Don Gilet who can’t act for s**t!

Gilet’s acting was mediocre in Babyfather (another role I lost to Gilet), and is even worse now. 

Seriously, Lucas’ descent in to murderous madness has been painful to watch.  “Camp” is what springs to mind when I watch Gilet attempting to convince viewers that Lucas is a man of the cloth and also an undercover ‘bad man’ with plenty of blood on his hands.

And don’t even get me started on the decision to cast him opposite Diane Parish, a woman who actually looks like she should be playing his aunt or mother, not his former teenage love now wife.

If anything Gilet should have been cast as his on screen daughter’s love interest for at least two episodes. He looks closer to being her age.

Anyway, I swear the role of Lucas should have gone to me! I would have f**kin killed it!

Just believe that I would have been convincing and probably would have gone on to win a BAFTA.  

But I guess in the end the powers that be decided to go with the ‘safer’ option.

July 20, 2010 – 1:04 pm Categories: EASTENDERS | Comments (1)

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SATURDAY

I attended Danny’s BBQ  / 40th birthday bash on Saturday.

He recently bought a house out in Harrow and has just moved in his girlfriend of only 3 months, former WAG turned reality TV regular Melissa.

Honestly she has no character, wit or talent. I don’t know what Danny see’s in the dim slapper.

 Anyway I arrived just after 6pm with Jayla in tow and Melissa greeted us at the door.

“Hi Darren, it’s good to see you. And you must be Jayla, it’s nice to finally meet you.”

There Melissa stood wearing long straight blond extensions and a face caked in the thickest foundation known to man.  To be fair though, she always looks stunningly beautiful at events and on TV. But sadly it’s all an illusion.

A producer friend of mine who dated Melissa 2 years ago told me recently that underneath the hundreds of pounds of hair extensions lies thin, almost greying short hair, and minus the make-up extremely bad skin.   “Darren you wouldn’t recognise her mate” he chuckled.

I now refer to Melissa as being the white Naomi Campbell.  She walks around flashing this long mane of false hair but underneath it lies a very tragic situation.

I wonder if Danny has seen his dim ‘arm candy’ without all that slap on?

But I digress…

The party was a pretty decent affair. Good food, plenty of drink, plenty of illegal substances, good music, and Danny invited loads of old friends from within the world of showbiz.

But the moment I saw them my appetite quickly disappeared. I knew that the questions were about to come thick and fast.

“it’s been a long time! What have you been up too?”

 “Danny tells us you’re writing a film script. What’s it about?”

“Have you got any TV work lined up”.

“Are you still living in East London”.

“Have you finished writing that film script yet???”

I just answered the nosey bastards’ questions and kept it moving, but noticed that Jayla looked a little uncomfortable during those particular exchanges, and dare I say a little embarrassed.  

On the way home she was unusually quiet, and seemed quite distant and cold with me.

But perhaps I’m reading too much in to it. She was probably just tired….

July 19, 2010 – 1:24 pm Categories: SATURDAY | Post a comment

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GETTING ON MY LAST NERVE!

My dad is seriously getting on my nerves now.

He seems to take great pleasure in showing me every bill letter that comes through the letter box. He needs to get a life!

This morning I was just lying on the sofa, relaxing and sipping green tea while watching Jeremy Kyle, when he burst in to the room and started ranting about the gas and electricity bills, oh and the TV licence renewal fee.  

Then he flung the local newspaper on to the large coffee table, opened at the job vacancies section.

I scanned through the section after Jeremy had finished blasting his last guest, and laughed at the vacancies that dad had so ”helpfully” circled in red ink for my benefit.   

Dad must be losing his mind. A man like me will NEVER be seen working part-time at Nandos, and will never be seen driving around in a Tesco’s delivery van.   

The man’s a joker.

July 15, 2010 – 12:56 pm Categories: GETTING ON MY LAST NERVE! | Post a comment

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A WASTE OF MY TIME

I turned up to the video shoot last week at 11.45am and walked off the set 30 minutes later!

As soon as I walked on to the set, the director Alex Swan started to give  me attitude. His first words to me were ” Hello Darren your late!”.

Okay so I was 15 minutes late.  I overslept. But he had no business embarrassing me like that in front of the crew. That was a very unprofessional move on his part.

Then he informed me that I would only be featured  in a small scene “opening a door for the artist” followed by ” you have no dialogue so we’ll be done with you by 1pm”.

My blood started to boil.

“WHAT?  That’s not what my agent told me”.

He stopped what he was doing and looked at me.

“My agent told me that this would be a guest starring role with some dialogue, and that I would be needed for three days.”

Alex smirked and replied,

“Well there seems to some confusion here Darren.  You’re guaranteed about ten  seconds screen time and it’s a tiny role.  A role that cannot be stretched in to three days work I’m afraid”.

I was ready to box that smirk off his acne infested face but remained calm, pulled out my mobile and called Stella.

Stella claimed that she never said anything about it being “three days work” and accused me of not paying enough attention when we have our conversations.

However she had been told that there would be some dialogue and a reasonable amount of screen time, so was surprised to hear that the role had disintegrated in to a joke.

My anger then boiled over even more  when Stella told me to be a professional and to just get on with the job regardless.

I hung up on her.

I then turned to Alex and told him to “forget it, I’m a professional actor not some lowly extra”,  kissed my teeth and exited the building.

But the day did end well.  When I told Jayla about the morning’s events she picked me up in her brand new ride and took me out for a slap-up meal in some  trendy restaurant near Knightsbridge, where she insisted on paying the hefty bill.

She always encourages me to save what little money I have.

That woman is so good to me.

July 14, 2010 – 11:35 am Categories: A WASTE OF TIME, Uncategorized | Post a comment

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A JOB!

I spoke to my agent Stella today. It’s been a long time…..

The last time I spoke to Stella she threatened to remove me from her client list because according to her I kept turning down jobs and can be “far too argumentative”.

Listen I won’t say ‘yes’ to doing any old crap and I’m not afraid to voice an opinion. 

But we’re cool now and she has managed to get me a guest starring role in a music video.

The artist’s name now escapes me, but she’s an up and coming Pop starlet who recently signed to a major label.

I will be playing a nightclub manager who will appear on screen at the beginning and towards the end of the video.

I will have a few lines but I’m an experienced actor, so won’t be sticking to the script. Instead, I plan on adlibbing to bring more depth and range to my character.  

At first I was going to turn down the job because they start filming tomorrow (which is very short notice for me) and to make matters worse they wanted me to be on the set based out in Essex at 8.30am sharp. This is far too early. I’m up until the early hours of the morning working on the script so need to rest the following day. But Stella had a word with the director, and I will now start at 11.30am.

I was hoping for an afternoon start but what can you do.

Starring in music videos really isn’t my thing. I feel it’s a step down from what I’m used to doing but the money swayed me. It’s pretty good for just three days work.

When I told dad about the gig he looked up from his newspaper and said,

“Good! It’s about time! The electricity bill and gas bill arrived today…”

“Yeah?” I replied.

“So you can help pay both after you get paid”.

“Yes alright dad. I will see what I can do”.

Dad loudly kissed his teeth in reply and went back to reading his newspaper.

I refuse to let that man kill my good mood today!

July 8, 2010 – 11:46 am Categories: A JOB! | Comments (2)

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NOSEY LIL

Whenever mum’s cousin Lil visits, which is usually once a week, the woman feels the need to question me.

This was the conversation we had earlier on today.

“Hello Darren…. you find job yet?

“I’m self employed Auntie Lil”

“Self employed? You call sitting in the house all day watching TV and playing on the Internet being self-employed?”

“I am writing a film script, and I have other projects on the go that I’m concentrating on”.

“So you can’t still look a full-time job and do all that other stuff in your spare time Darren?”

“I’m not a 9-5 man Auntie. Plus I need to focus on my different ventures. I can’t afford to get distracted”.

Auntie Lilian stared at me for a couple of seconds and then looked at mum, disapproval etched across her face. Mum sheepishly turned away and continued loading my washing in to the washing machine.

I took this opportunity to bid them both farewell and bounded out of the kitchen because Maury was about to start.

I still haven’t really forgiven her for questioning my parenting skills several months ago after a grilling.

“What kind of role model are you to your son Darren? Anthony comes here and all he see’s you doing is sitting in your room idling, living off benefits and begging his grandmother for money”, because you claim you can’t afford to take him out and can’t afford to buy him a £2.99 meal from Morleys as a treat.

GO LOOK WORK DARREN!!!!”

The woman seriously needs to keep her nose out of my business!

Who is she to question my relationship with my son and whether I’m a good role model or not?

Auntie Lil thinks she knows it all but like most don’t know s**t!

July 5, 2010 – 2:39 pm Categories: Nosey Lil | Post a comment

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MUM, DAD, THE FUTURE AND IDRIS

Mum has been a bit low since arriving back from Jamaica. Both she and dad flew out several months ago to attend Auntie Grace’s funeral, and now they are both pining to “go back home”.

Even though mum went out there to say goodbye to her sister , she loved being around the family and staying in the house that she and dad finally completed building last year in West Moreland.

Now there is talk of packing up and going back home for good.

If dad had his way the house would be on the market now. But mum worries and wants to see me settled first before they make a final decision.

Dad on the other hand couldn’t care less.

This afternoon he barged in to my bedroom and forcefully shook me out of a deep sleep.

“What are your plans for the future Darren?”

I was still half asleep and confused so just managed to mumble ‘what do you mean?’

He then raised his voice.

“WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS FOR THE FUTURE??? Your mother and I plan on putting the house up for sale and returning to Jamaica for good. So what do you plan on doing after we have gone? HOW DO YOU PLAN ON SUPPORTING YOURSELF?”

I looked at him and replied that ‘nothing had been officially decided yet and that mum wouldn’t leave or sell up until I was sorted’.

Dad who is light-skinned went bright red with rage before shouting,

“IF IT WASN’T FOR YOUR MOTHER I WOULD HAVE CALLED THE POLICE AND HAD YOUR LAZY BACKSIDE REMOVED FROM THE HOUSE YEARS AGO!

Let me ask you someting… you don’t feel shame Darren? You’re in your forties, you don’t work, you sit in this room day and night doing God knows what, and talk about writing some script that will probably never see the light of day.

And to make matters worse you’re happy to live off women like some dutty parasite”.

I was about to reply when he followed up with,

“You and that …Iggy Alba…”

I rolled my eyes and corrected him.

“Idris Elba dad”

“Yes him!  You both started out in that show Family Affairs together, and look how far he has come. The man is starring in big Hollywood films, he is on television, while you lie about all day doing nothing!

Sort yourself out because me and your mother won’t be here forever”.

He then stormed out of my room.

Little does dad know that Hollywood has come knocking on my door on numerous occasions, but I turned down auditions because I wanted to focus on getting my own projects off the ground here first. I made that sacrifice and have no regrets.

Idris is just a mediocre actor who got lucky. When we both appeared on Family Affairs together the cast and the crew would always compliment me after I finished filming scenes , and some even confided in me that they thought Idris was wooden and lacked passion.

And from what I can tell not much has changed.

People are still raving about his drama Luther, but as far as I’m concerned Idris still fails to convince.

The same goes for Aml Ameen. I mean he is even worse than Idris. I still have a hard time understanding how this kid, who clearly needs to still work on his craft, went from showing up in The Bill to bagging a role in a US drama.

What were the network executives thinking??? I just don’t get it.

I guess it’s now the ‘in thing’ to do -  ignore real talent.

But like I said before I don’t regret turning down the opportunity to break America. I have bigger fish to fry here.

Anyway back to dad and this talk of selling up and leaving for good.  That won’t be happening anytime soon, not while I’m still living here.

I ain’t worried.

July 4, 2010 – 11:46 am Categories: Uncategorized | Post a comment

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JAYLA

I enjoyed a good work out at the gym today with Jayla.

I met her 8 months ago at a music  industry event in Hoxton. There were the usual bunch of posers in the house,  past acquaintances  and a haunted looking Amy Winehouse.

When I first laid eyes on the exotic looking Jayla I knew she was the woman for me. I walked over to her, cracked a funny joke about a strung out Amy which broke the ice, and from that moment onwards she was mine for the taking.

Jayla runs her own successful event management company, she’s independent, ambitious, intelligent and extremely HOT!!!

She also supports my decision to not become a 9-5 wage slave and has faith in my acting and script writing abilities.

The fact that I still live at home doesn’t bother her either. I mean once things take off and the money starts rolling in I will be out of here. But for now it’s best I stay put.

Jayla understands my current  situation and often helps me out financially when I’m running low on funds. She even pays my monthly gym membership, which isn’t cheap when you’re a member of an exclusive gym near Canary Wharf.

Admittedly I only visit the gym once or twice a month, but Jay insists that I maintain my physical fitness and work out when I have the time. She knows I’m a busy man and money doesn’t seem to be an issue for my girl.

My parents adore Jay, but I overheard dad say to mum last night, “just like Paula dat gyal will soon tire of Darren and his foolish ways. “.

As usual the old man is the foolish one and doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

Anyway I haven’t met Jayla’s parents yet,  only her sister Salime.

Both parents are Turkish and from what I understand their father will not tolerate any of his daughters dating a black man. So I’m this massive  secret at the moment. But to be honest.. I’m not bothered.

I’m doing extremely well out of this relationship and I have no issue with being Jay’s dark secret.

June 26, 2010 – 10:04 pm Categories: JAYLA | Post a comment

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